0 She; the chains of the unspoken

They were two introverts, one more than the other. And they used to write each other letters every so often. Especially if it involved something deeply emotional, that kind of an emotional knot that was too difficult to put into spoken words.

It simply would not matter if they were going to spend the whole day together; if there was something deep to discuss, they'd exchange letters at the beginning of the day and promised solemnly to not read the letters until they were both home at the end of the day...apart. Each in their own comfort place. And it all went fine. It even gives you space to over-think your reaction...so what could possibly be wrong with such an agreement? She still has all the letters she received, as a silent proof of all they shared besides the moments spend together. And she cherishes those letters deeply...

This time she was the one who had something important to say. And instead of writing a whole letter, she bought a greeting card at the book store. In the end, the card said exactly what she had on the tip of her tongue; especially those two most important words.
She sat down with colored pens and mixed feelings that night...to personally add some other details she thought were important to mention. But alas, she could not.
And several nights thereafter, she returned to the card and colored pens; exactly where she left them the night before... only to get up after a while (just like the first time) without having written anything.

She even had it planned, how she'd send the greeting card by mail. And struggled with the thought of whether that was too impersonal or not. Should she send an e-mail instead? No, the very thought gave her the chills... Wait until the person in question was online and straightforwardly say what she had to say by chat? Uhm...not a good idea.
But wait...how could she be thinking about ways to send a card she didn't even have the courage to write? (sigh) "I'd figure it out in due time," she said out loud "first things first..write!"

Yes, they spoke, they spoke regularly as a matter of fact. But she tried to act as if nothing was wrong. Messages, phone calls, chats... She did her best to keep her posture through every interaction in spite of the tornado that went on within. It's not that she wasn't genuine, that you may not get the wrong picture of her, she was simply holding back that part which was somehow important for her to say. She was only waiting until she could write it down...like old times. Cuz that was the plan, right?

Until suddenly... on a day that started like any other...
Don't ask what happened, maybe it was just the results of a full bucket...or maybe she just felt gutsy...but in one of those conversations she simply blurted it all out. Everything...to the very last shameful word. She searched not for the correct words, she didn't pay attention to the reaction from the other person, she spoke her filthy soul out. And it was only when she was finally done speaking, and she realized there was a long and awkward silence from the other side, that what just happened finally sunk in. Like a heavy rock..deep in her stomach. And thou she said nothing else and she tried with her all to keep a relaxed posture, she felt completely paralyzed. And she froze...

"Ohhhh SHIT!!! You must be kidding me right? You didn't just do that, woman! You didn't just say all that!...Oh WHAT-A-SHAME!! WHAT-A-SHAME!! WHAT A SHAAAMMEE".
The voices in her head went insane. Her feet felt as cold as ice, in spite of the very hot weather. She felt sick to her stomach..it was as thou she swallowed a rock and couldn't seem to throw it up. And she had to blink several times to hold back the tears of regret. "Hold your head up high young lady. That was, as a matter of fact, a very brave thing to do." she told herself finally "You needed to get it out, and you did. Whatever the other person does with this information now is not up to you. Do yourself a favor, and hold yourself together."

So she just sat there, struggling between obedience to that encouraging voice or getting up and run away...
She even had difficulty swallowing...but she bravely sat there. If there was going to be an answer or not? She knew not...Thou she hoped there would, deep down she hoped. Positive or negative, all she hoped was to get more than just this killing silence. But as uncertain as she was she sat there...
Until after what seemed like an eternity, the answer finally came... And it was like a glass of cold water on a very hot day...short indeed, but also deep...and meaningful. Words that felt like a warm hug, in spite of the distance.

And she smiled so wide her face hurt!!! Not only physically did she smile...but her heart also smiled...as a matter of fact it danced; her heart really danced. It was one of those moments she'd scream for joy. One of those moments she's do an uncontrollable silly dance.
But instead she decided to just enjoy silently of the mixture of beautiful feelings that welled up like a beautiful aroma. Joy, relieve, contentment, satisfaction, pride, love and freedom....yes, most importantly the freedom.
If it wasn't for this moment, she'd never realized how she had been a slave all this time...a slave to her own unspoken words.

(JK, OF COURSE)

0 she; falsely extinguished

He called it desire; that feeling she had when she saw someone or smelled something that reminded her of him.
She? She called it stubborn persistence of the memory. 'Cause other than those moments when she suddenly gets all warm inside again, there was nothing but ashes.
She can't complain, has such good set of brains... The brains that stood her by through many times when she engaged in a mind game with any pretentious individual.
The only downside of these brains would be the ability to play these mind games to herself from time to time. Consequently causing a total short circuit in her performance.

Like, when she sees someone that reminded her of him... (sigh)
You see, the person didn't necessarily need to have ANYTHING that looked remotely identical to his; any gesture, body movement or piece of clothing could do the trick. And don't even mention catching a random sniff of his perfume in the air when someone passes by...

It's kind of an indescribable mixture of nostalgia, spasm, a physical warm tickle, passion and wanting...igniting in her, like when you pour gas on a fire. There isn't a single part of her that doesn't experience it, even to it's deepest intensity.Yes, even the little hair cells on her head! So intense, it feels as thou it's consuming her completely.

When it happens, it happens in less than a blinking of an eye. Old memories arise like a swarm of bees...a whole multitude of them.
And  she momentarily completely loose herself in "if-only", "never-again" and "would-have-been"...

But than again, come on,  it's just THAT...nothing but a momentary flame. A fire that looses its vigor as fast as it catches it. A fire who's momentary furry can be easily stored in the deepest darkest corner of her being ...until next time;...yes, until the moment comes when she re-encounters whatever reminder of him along her passage of life... any vague memory able to enkindle it all again.

Yet she won't call it desire. Isn't a desiresomething more intense?
When itcomes to her, in between fire and fire, stays nothing but cold insignificant ashes...ashes that won't even recal his subsistence sometimes,let stand remembering him with such ardent fervor....such ravenous wanting..such genuine ferociousness.

4 Million dollar questions

I have two...questions today really eating at my brain cells.

Question 1. (And I just need to get it off my chest before moving on)
Why would someone literally ridicule himself on a social network site in order to catch someone else's attention?
I mean, can u really be that desperate? Dude, nobody's a lollipop....quit the sucking.

Commenting on one thing is normal. Commenting and liking 2 or 3 things is still acceptable. But commenting and liking EVERYTHING the person posts....is synonym to despair! Ahum,....boy....the sink's full and the laundry's dirty. A.k.a. GET A JOB! It shouldn't be decent at all...it should just be a job....to get you off the internet.

Nope, didn't happen to me this time (and I'm grateful)....lucky dog! It just gotten to my attention...and I blogged about it. If it happened to me, I think I would have....uhm you know what, let's jump to the nxt question!

Question nr 2. Why would is it that we hide what we really feel for a certain person?
This question really popped up after a small convo with a friend.

Made me really ask myself whether all the people around me (atleast the most important ones) really know how I feel about them...
And I conclude,... they probably don't.
He doesn't know I love him so much it's almost uncontainable, she doesn't know an intense burst of hate wells up in me every now and then towards her, they don't know I'm tired of it all,  I'm sure she doesn't know how much I appreciate her, he doesn't know I think he can be a whiny cry baby at times....

Sigh...so many things to say, so little courage.

Cuz yes, I think that plays a cardinal role...COURAGE. We are afraid how the person will react, we don't really know if we SHOULD tell anything, a bunch of 'what  if's' pop u'p, our own head tells us to better shut up. And the heart reaffirms..."Yes keep it to yourself...to the grave". Lack of courage is not the only motive of course.... Nah I don't think it is.

But what if it didn't really matter? What if you could tell me straight up to my face what you really feel for me..without the occurence of something awkward or dreadful? Without all the masquerade and all? What if the standards of the world didn't matter? What if my reaction to your confession wouldn't be that frightening for a moment? What if my ears could hear you say it and my eyes could watch as the words dance out of your lips. What if you gained all the courage in the world....would you tell me? Would you tell me the truth?

I would....but if I only had the courage!


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