0 She; the vicious circle...

Monday, December 12, 2011
She knows exactly where it all started, but wouldn't admit it to no one. One thing's certain, every time she finds herself sitting still for long enough...all it takes, is for her to simply close her eyes and THAT one day comes back to life. That day which seemed so ordinary at first, but still marked a crucial start line. A beginning, so boldly marked...it can never pass concealed to the human eye.
She sometimes even finds it frightening how vividly all her senses harmonize to bring every detail of that day back to life. The exact tastes, every single feeling, the sounds...it all ascends right back from the most dark places only the deaths have been. So vivid and almost palpable, like if the memory only happened yesterday.
Well, it might not be something she should be proud of...this whole THING. And no, she doesn't intend to boast about it. It's rather stupid, when you come to think of it more deeply. But ever had a moment when stupidity felt just right?
She has learned to look back on it all with a sense of dignity and satisfaction; admiring how she used it all as a stepping stone for self growth.
Aside of all else, the emotional shift has been one of the most remarkable changes. A quite frigid, indifferent and sometimes egocentric self has come to life. Not a dashing achievement,she knows, but surely one that came in handy.

That, which started off so randomly...is now more...much more than a mere protective shield....

Fast forward to today...like decades after the genesis; the realization came, like a slap in her face.
"A hamster," she said out loud with a contemptuous smile "you've been going around in the same darn wheel". And she sighs...
"Casual nexus..."
The wheel's been changed for a bigger one to conform each circumstance, each phase in life, each person she dealt with...
But let's face it...all she's done all this time is go rounds.
Nothing more...

And thus, here she stands once more, exactly where it all started. And the hard truth is, that every sense's volume hath just been turned up a couple of notches higher with time...

The good, the bad and the ugly alike...
Likes hath turned to love, disgust into hatred and appreciation into admiration.

But if she needs to hold a candle onto the possibility to keep on spinning a while longer or stepping off...

She'll spin another round...
And maybe a couple more after that one; who knows?


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