0 Game over!

Monday, April 30, 2012
Sat down and had a serious conversation with myself today.

The place where I had this conversation might have been questionable, but the content of the conversation was too serious to wait for a more suitable place to happen...

"Are you satisfied with your life?" I asked myself. And right when I realized it was taking me a couple of seconds too many to answer, I knew it...things had to be shaken up in this life of mine. ASAP!

I don't know if it's just me, but life can get pretty monotonous at some point. You know, same things, same places, same people...
Not all too many exciting things happen. Not enough challenges . No (or little) progress. And living becomes not more than a constant hum-drum...a cassette tape on repeat!

But I realize excitement isn't going to add itself... Either you move your behind or accept the bore...
And there's no way an active soul like mine can just "die" here...no way! So I decided it's time to move it. No matter how...
 Every second of dissatisfaction is a precious second waisted.
The idea might sound brilliant and all. But I must admit, I don't even have a master plan as yet... I just know things need to change. I can't cope with this dragging much longer... Can't...and honestly don't even want to.

I guess working on "change" without a direction is also worthless, so worry not, that's not going to happen. I'm much smarter than that.
 I actually do have some kind of a big picture in my head of where I want to head. But with that picture comes two things;
1. The picture isn't quite finished yet and
2. Frankly, I'm not quite the person to broadcast my plans so early (if at all). So you'll have to be informed of the step by step progress of this new...idea... You'll know!

I think it's an important step in life thou. Not just for me...but for just everyone that know in their hearts that there must be more to life.
Are you happy/satisfied with your life as it is now? If yes, than good for you. Keep doing whatever you've been doing up until now. If no, do whatever is in your power and might to change things around. Push your limits... Surprise yourself!

I'm at it...for I am not satisfied. Whoever/whatever wants to stay can stay (as long as you're not hindering my progress), whoever/whatever wants to leave is free to go (maybe the space you leave will be filled with something/someone better), whoever/whatever needs/wants to come back...well if it's needed and beneficial for this new picture i'd like to paint in my life...you're always welcome back. And whatever/ whomever new this new thrill brings along..good...let's make the best of it!
Either way, I don't intend to sit still and watch my life pass by just as if I'd get another chance to live this moment...

Game over!

0 WARNING: Toxic

Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Toxic people!
They come in different shapes and sizes. You probably know one or two. And they've probably worked on your nerves countless times, without you even realizing that they're nothing but just poisonous.

Toxicity is the degree to which a substance can damaga a living or non-living organism.
And surely there are people who act just like this...
If you don't handle them with caution they'd leave you drained, weary, emotionally numb, miserable, burdened, low on energy, stressed n' burned out, handicapped...as good as death (and I'm not necessarily talking about the physical).

One particular sort in this plague of toxins that caught my attention lately is the "cynical flush". I know, I know, I could  just call them negative. But believe me, they're not only negative, they really really flush out your vigor and positive spirit. I mean really...like mosquitoes...the SUCK out your "plus" side. And if you don't realize this in time, you'll end up behaving exactly like them.

They find something to criticize about just EVERYTHING. Today they pledge not to give a flying duck about person X, and tomorrow they shower you down with their venom again of their dislike and hatred towards this same person X...just because...
They end up complaining about their situation all the time (which to them of course, is the WORST in the whole wide universe and beyond). It doesn't really matter if there isn't anything new to complain about today, that very old situation that happened 2,000 years ago, you know that one time a wasp bit them, is still as important to them to bring it up once more and complain about it yet again.
Morning, noon, afternoon or nighttime...pfff...time doesn't really matter; everytime's a good time to COMPLAIN!!!
They're also masters of victimizing themselves...and they make it a great deal. Sure, they never did "anything" to deserve such fate. (snif-snif) And even though they didn't move a single finger to  change their own situation for the better, they think it's cruel...and, and...unfair and hard. And of course their victim position (which they give themselves) gives them every right to put their yoke on your shoulder.

...and they drain you!!! They drag you down with them, these toxic people.

Of course there...there are surely more toxic types!

Here's a small list, just to name a few... (I named them myself, yes)

* The ultra narcissistic ("me" centered!! From the rising of the sun, until...well, until it goes down and rises again. No mercy, this type's an egomaniac!
But really, what can be more interesting than "me"? And if it's not me, than it's "I"...no further discussions. This type ussualy results in a socially inept person; most relationships will clash.)

* The appendix( sticky on every side,  just like the Scotch Broth tape. Intesely clingy...Depends on you as though you were oxygen. And sincerely wants to be a legitimate part of you; you know, just like your limb, your backbone...your eye! This person often leads a sad, gloomy or depressed existance. And oftentimes they are skeptical and paranoid.)

* The unwanted parent( inadvertently decides to boss you around as though you were their child. If it's not because of the type of person YOU choose as YOUR significant other, it's for the tattoo you've gotten or simply it's your choice of clothes... Fact is, they feel they have the right to boss you around, demand an explanation, and invade your personal space. And clearly, their approval and/or disapproval should be taken to head, heart and...butt!)

* The whiner(oh well, the situation doesn't necessarily have to be ABOUT you or even CAUSED by you. Come on!!! You don't really have to be involved in it nor does it require some special knowledge or anything. You're simply...the person they approach to whine about it all.
Important note: do NOT, for the love of your sanity, offer any possible solutions. That's not what they come to you for in the end. Your solution will be brushed off the table with another whiny comment. And as soon as there's something new to whine about, you'll be the first to know...)

* The pro boxer(very similar to the whiner, but only more aggressive (not necessarily physical). Congratulations,YOU'RE their punching bag... Just..just...face it!)

* The remote control
(Needs to control your every step. If this person loses control they might freak out. They are also the type that becomes invasive, bossy, puts pressure and plays power games. They even walk in an autoritative manner and loves it when someone is dependant to them.)

* The saint(nothing really ever happened because of them. They're  totally incapable of harming one defenseless ant, how can one say they did THAT? The fault is always something or someone else's, never ever ever....EVER on themselves! Not ever...! Don't you even dare think such thing of a saint like this! The saint is often an extremely self-righteous person. If you insist on their fault they can turn into a rude, arrogant and argumentative bug.)

* The synthetic ("friendly" in your face and lashes about you behind your back. Words like gossipy, nosy and "know-it-all" partially describes this type. Seriously if this person does it with everyone else, what makes you think you're the exception?)

I'm sure you signaled quite a few people in the above-mentioned examples, didnt you? Did you also signal yourself?

There are plenty more examples of people who can be toxic... I'm sure...go on a quest and find out for yourself.

Those of you who know me, also know that I can be quite tolerant, patient & blah blah blah. But honestly, who can keep it all together for a long while with someone who damages your physical, mental and or emotional well-being?
If poison is poured on your arm, you don't just stand there and watch it burn and eat your flesh do you? So why do it when it comes to these toxins??? (sigh)
I pray for knowledge to deal with these, seriously...or else money to pay my bail-out! But either way, I need them to give me a frigging break and go drown themselves in their own venomous gal elsewhere. ELSEWHERE!!! I thank them very (incredibly) much...can't show you the magnitude of this gratitude. But it comes from the deepest part of my heart...and it overflows... Oh sure it does...

I know, the post doesn't really contain any inspirational messages today or anything.  I'm sorry, I just needed to vent... And, to be honest, it does feel better (thou you've just finished reading the 10x reviewed and partially adapted (PG-13) version of the venting). Thanks for allowing me to lighten the burden from on my shoulder...

And by the way, here's still wishing you a toxic-free remaining of the week. (hoping I can count on the same...so far it's been ok

0 False hopes???

Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Where exactly does an unkept promise go? Does that trust which comes to die, ever get a chance to be restored again, when in fact it has been taken away and smashed to the wall? And when the feeling dies? Then what?
We’ve all been promised something at some point in our lives. And we’ve all made promises sometime; be it big or small.
Some promises can have an enormous emotional value to a person, to the point where it literally takes over some part of his/her existence.
Regardless of the high level of importance a promise can occupy, we choose sometimes not to be careful with our promises. We throw promises around without even giving it a second thought. And these words only land in a bottomless pit.
Do we ever realize how profoundly we can hurt someone that took that promise we’ve made to heart? Do we realize the damage we can cause?
Do we even know, how we actually sign a pact with every single promise made? Verbally, emotionally, mentally...literally...an irrevocable settlement is made.
What happens if you don’t keep yourself to your work contract? What if we sign an agreement with the bank and fail to comply? We lose our job, we get locked up or the bailiff pays a visit to your house... In some way, we pay!! So, why than are we so not careful with our promises?
You promised your love, your heart and dedication to a certain someone, be it your spouse or simply someone you fell for. Should that promise ever come to lose value, because to your opinion “you‘ve met someone else that tingles your dingles”?
You promised your friendship... “In spite of it all, you can depend on me...”. Comes along one disagreement or that person hurts you in some way or another, and that instantly gives you the right to undo your promise. Right?
We promised we’d be there for one another... But are we REALLY there? ARE WE?
Think of all the promises you’ve been made. The ones that weren’t kept, how did they affect you?  But wait!!! Most important of all, trace back for a moment...all the promises you’ve made to people. Put them down on paper, for as far as you can remember... How careful have you been to bringing these to completion? Come on, be honest with yourself.
Is there anything (ANYTHING) that really gives us the right to break a promise? If so, enlighten me please...
One thing I now know for real, promises are put to the test at some point. They all do! Eventually they’ll get shaken, like earth quakes, to prove how deep they were really anchored when they were made. Then, when that moment comes, what will remain standing?
Don’t be too quick to make a promise; whether with your attitude or with words. A broken promise literally tears something from within the person; it tears away their trust, it touches their hopes and even a moment of joy it takes away. And if the person buried the promise deep within their hearts, like a valued treasure, than it does tear away a corner of their heart as well. If you couldn’t care less about the other person (which I doubt), at least stand still that this attitude also tears away YOUR CREDIBILITY...
It is better, always, to promise little and accomplish much; than to promise the world to people and yet give nothing...
I mean...just saying.

0 The day Smiley was born...

Friday, April 13, 2012
You know how, when something happens, mostly everyone have their own version of the story? Well, here's my version of something that happened to me... I actually used it as a speech 2 years ago. And yes, it happened to me! It's almost time to celebrate another "anniversary"...

On the evening of april the 22, Smiley was born. And contrary to most births, where people expect the new addition with joy and wonder, Smiley was rather received with shock and silence.
No one really expected Smiley. No one really wanted Smiley to arrive. But Smiley changed everything on that night in april; especially the life of an 8 year old girl who found herself bound to live with Smiley for the rest of her life.

It all started as a whispering of a thoughtless wish with a hint of superstition.
You see, it came to happen that somewhere around the time Smiley was born, my eldest brother fractured his leg walking home from school. And as a logical consequence thereof, he couldn't move around easily and thus couldn't do much for himself. I guess it was because my eldest brother thought of me as the spoiled kid, but he appeared to use the circumstances pretty well to work on my nerves. Go get him something in the kitchen, get him the tv remote, go get him the book of crosswords puzzle, do this, do that... Cause the poor poor boy couldn't do any of it for himself.
And then, somewhere around april 22nd my second brother found one piece of a golden earring somewhere and brought it home. Normally such findings would have been nonsense; but back then, to my elders, it seemed to be a sign of bad luck.
But what would an 8 year old know about bad luck? To be honest, I don't even remember if it was just the finding of the earring that was supposed to bring bad luck or if it was the fact that he brought it home.
To me, life went on. And with life, the new task of helping my eldest brother around was becoming a daily routine. A routine that I was slowly but steadily getting sick and tired of. Until one day, totally frustrated and angry I whispered between my teeth..."I wish something would have also happened to my leg...so everyone would do everything for me too".

April the 22nd, my godmothers' birthday. And she decided to have this home celebration with family and friends. For me, these celebrations only meant one thing; meeting up with the other kids and play until our parents stopped us from running around the place or until it's time to go home. In this case both our parents decided not to attend. But me and my brother's were allowed to go with my aunt. You know what this meant right? Playing my heart out! No parent to stop me from running, to tell me to sit down for a while or to obstruct my fun in ANY way...
And I tell you, I played as if there would be no tomorrow. I ran around the whole night. I played tag, a game called "Anne Maria Cuckoo" and finally a good game of hide and seek...

Now, you see, it wasn't my turn to seek...still I found it amusing to walk around after the one who's turn it was. Just to see how she did...
Excitement grew as we preached the bedroom where (some of us knew) one of my cousins was hidden. The girl who was seeking slowly opened the door, to find the older boys playing video games...and yes, my cousin silently hidden between them. A tumult of screaming, pushing and running kids broke loose, as we all hurriedly tried making it outside to see who of the two would make it first...
What I didn't notice in my excitement was, that my godmother opened her front door differently that night. So while the other kids ran through the opening, I ran straight into the glass door; which due to the impact immediately broke from top to bottom.

In the first seconds thereafter I just...stood there...motionless, with my knee still slightly up...and I watched as the last big piece of glass slid out of the huge cut and fell on the blood covered floor. And everything changed. There I stood, in my godmothers' living room, with a cut from one side of the knee to another. And to my knowledge, not a single soul moved.
I? I was so shocked I couldn't cry, I couldn't say a word, I can't even remember what I was thinking. Silence took over, everyone watched in shock and at that moment the party stopped.

As the kids I was playing with approached me with open mouths and the people who were partying in the backyard slowly filled the house to see what happened, I slowly started realizing that this wasn't going to be OK with some medicine and a bandage. I remember looking back to see if I could find those eyes who could tell me that it was going to be fine. But I couldn't find those... And something heavily sank in my stomach...what was going to happen now? I do remember catching the glance of both my older brothers thou. But their expression was actually translated  in disbelief and worry. Somehow they had that question mark on their faces...you know, that mark that said "what just happened? And how are we going to tell mom?"

I was brought to the ER, and dad came in to see me and bring me some clothes. And as I realized that my father had to go home without me, the first tears for the night came up. At that moment, the pain really sunk in, and all the questions arose "what have I gotten myself into? What's going to happen now? Why this? How long? When? Who? "
Had to get a surgery the next morning to repair the tendons and properly close the wound. And after that followed, a hospital stay I considered to be too long. But yes sir...everyone had to help me around for a while thereafter. Everyone had to do stuff for me indeed...as I wished for...

And thus, on the evening of april the 22nd, Smiley was born... And contrary to most births where people expect the new addition with joy and wonder, Smiley was rather received with shock and silence.
No one really expected Smiley, no one really wanted Smiley to arrive. But Smiley changed everything on that night in april, especially the life of an 8 year old girl who found herself bound to live with Smiley for the rest of her life.
And yes, she named it Smiley...not just because of the fact that the scar literally looks like a huge smile on her right knee; but also because she can literally smile at the thought of the multiple lessons she learned from this experience. The scar will probably never fade away, but she is thankful, nevertheless, that it wasn't (for example) her face she hit in the glass door back then or that the accident didn't leave her handicapped or lifeless. She's also aware now, that a mothers teaching is to be taken at heart, even when mommy's not around. She knows now to be careful what she wishes for. And hey, she's got a credible story to tell her children why not to run in the house...

2 After the 40th day: Tha- Tha- That's all folks!

Friday, April 6, 2012
Should have written you like 3 days ago...
But believe it or not, a lot has happened in these past 3 days.

First, we got to what would have been our last training last Tuesday...all excited and confident; only to learn that the challenge has been prolonged with a few days. "We'll weigh in on Friday morning instead of Wednesday," said the Managing Director of the INM (and our Kickboxing Trainer), "one of your mates messaged me and asked me to give you guys an extra few days, since she cheated". (Sy raises the right eyebrow and turns bitchy-mode on) At that exact moment I knew exactly who did that, because she asked me the weekend before what I thought about this same idea and I told her there's no way I'd support such a request. To top it all off...she wasn't coming to the training sessions...I cannot even remember the last time I saw her!
WHAT??? If she cheated...why should we all pay??? Believe me, heaven knows why that girl wasn't present at this particular training, 'cause I would have turned all Shaniqua on her for being so selfish...
Good thing we got to punch and kick our stress off that night. And with every punch i ranted about this being unfair, and how she'd probably be home relaxing now while we were being abused, and how I'd like to explain some things to her right about now, and blah blah blah so on...
The bad thing is, that the trainer assumed that while I had breath to rant I still had strength to fight on...so I got to train longer than the other folks...DANG IT!

In the end we sat with the Managing Director and fought our cause (kind of) and only got one extra day of training (instead of two). So instead of weighing in on Wednesday morning, we trained that night and weighed in on Thursday morning instead.
Man, it took me every last drop of endurance to make it. The steak-diet was starting to "yuck" me out, I was worn totally out physically and mentally I already closed the chapter... But I did it!!!

And yesterday morning...FINALLY....the last weigh in and photo session. I didn't loose any more weight since Saturday, so the final mount of weight lost over the past 40 days is still a slamming 9,5 Kgs. Proud of myself...VERY PROUD!! :D.  (Sy takes a gracious bow)
The Managing Director of the INM said he knew I could have actually lost more than that. And he was right. I didn't always give my all in training, and I cheated too here and there. But hey, I can't complain about the results either...
About the photo sessions, well on day one they took front and sideways pictures of us, so yesterday we stood again in that same place in front of the white door in the INM store to take our after-pictures. I'm excited to see those pictures being compared. If I can get a grip on those I might post it so you can see it too... (NOTE: I said "might".) :-p

Last night I finally got to sleep all the tiredness off. And I slept for more than 12 hours straight. Didn't even wake up to use the toilet. Boy, that rest felt SO GOOD!!!! AMAZING....
This Monday the Weight Loss Challenge crew is having a get-together...to celebrate, de-stress, and I don't know what else. I'm really looking forward to it...

For what my weight is concerned, I subscribed with the Managing Director to keep up with the kickboxing training after this... 2x a week. And I have a deal with my sister-in-law about further weight loss efforts. I just hope she cleaned out the fridge of microwaveable pizzas and put her peanut butter crackers aside...LOL.
We still need to define how this weight loss thing is going to have to be... I'm up for it!

Anyways folks, I'm going to have to leave you now. Not that I have anything to do in particular (actually I do have, but I'm procrastinating), but this is supposed to be something like a laaaazzzzzyyyy Friday for me here...

So see you guys around!

A bit thinner, happy, relaxing and definitely stronger,


0 Day 38: Behold, the end is near

Monday, April 2, 2012
Been busy, been busy...been crazily busy.
So don't blame me for the late update...blame the schedule...aha...the hectic schedule.

As you might have noticed, we're reaching the top of this huge mountain called "40 Days Weight Loss Challenge". Just a few more steps, and we can enjoy the view from the highest peek and fill our lungs with fresh air.
Oh I can hardly wait...

Thou I haven't reached my desired weight as yet. And I intend to continue watching my eating habits and throw some matches on the body's fire...so it might keep on burning. But I'm not ready for another intense training schedule and severe diet as yet...wait...I need to catch some air!

Last Saturday was the last boot-camp training session for this challenge, and of course weigh in too.
Now, problem was that I only realized on the Tuesday before that I haven't been properly to the toilet for more than a week. You know, ahum...constipation...
But what was I supposed to do? The crammed intestines would make the body heavier somehow...
So I drank laxative tea on Friday night...expecting it to work in the midnight or at least early in the morning.
But Saturday came and it was time to leave the house..and still not even the mere stomach rumble to indicate that delivery was on its way...

I sent the trainer a message in advance and asked her to forget to bring the scale...I said to her, "it will be OUR secret ok?...don't you find that exciting??? A secret only you and I know of". No results...
So to make the whole story short....(stating the obvious) I had to weigh in. With the whole traffic jam going on inside...somewhere down there. But to my surprise, one more kg is GONE!! Believe me, for a moment there, I stood perplexed. 'cause physically I felt so....heavy! That brings us to a total of 9,5...
This Wednesday is the very last weigh in...and than...THE END!!!!!

By the way...the tea didn't help at all...I took "fresh" home-made tamarind juice later on that Saturday. Nature couldn't have created a better antidote...a remedy maid in heaven. Cleared all the roads before Sunday morning... such a relief!

On another note...
Today I did something totally crazy. But in the end I enjoyed it. And I felt SO proud. Well...we're almost done but at least today and tomorrow there's still training (read: hardcore kick-boxing mad stuff).
So I came home after work,changed up, got water, keys, my mobile and headphones....and headed to training...by foot! Got there in about 20 minutes, worked my ass off (literally) in training and then walked back home. Yup...I climbed THAT hill after such harsh training (for those of you who know where I live). But I got home completely satisfied and with a smile on my face. No difficulties or obstacles on the way...other than some dog to whom I apparently appeared delicious and whom I had to convince a couple of times that he wasn't my type...

But anyway, I feel as thou I'm writing you an encyclopedia today. No-can-do! And my eyelids are also getting heavier by the minute..
So...yea..am signing out for the day.

Steps away from the finish line...