0 Ia(m)e

Monday, January 30, 2012

Should you ever come to a crossroad, where external factors are trying to knock so hard against your identity, to the point where your life hath taken a 360 degree turn and you find yourself standing again at square one; stand still...

Who are you really?

What do you want in life?

What is your goal?

What drives you?

How do you plan to excel in life?

External factors are prone to contribute onto forming the humanbeing.

Society sets standards to which we choose to keep ourselves on a daily basis. Your family has certain believes, rules and customs. Your friends have (sometimes without previous agreements) a certain pattern of behavior. "Religion" or whatever spiritual conviction you choose...has rules, regulations, laws and standards. Work/school sets their own behavioral- (& dress) code.
Go on, fill in the names of what/whom else has been (trying to) form you in such a way...

I don't exactly oppose any of the above mentioned. But face it, sometimes they can get pretty irrational; to the point where you loose sight of who you are.
And sometimes people will come to "like" you, solely based on whether or not you keep yourself to their standards. So, in a certain fear of not being "disliked", we sometimes keep ourselves to every single expectation of the person/place we're dealing with.
*If you know your family believes a certain behavior is horrible for people of your color, social status or origin, you choose not to behave like that...JUST because that's what you've been taught...and you don't want to dishonor your family of course.
*Your friend utterly detests it when you speak in a certain tone of voice, so you (try to) control yourself around him/her...even thou you feel perfectly comfortable speaking in THAT particular tone.
*Religion tells you not to do something, and you simply restrain from doing it without really being able to explain the reason why you don't.
* Society tells you to dress in a certain way, so even thou you feel better dressed as an Apache indian, you resolve to wear what society requires you to, to fit in.

Wait, I'm not promoting brutality or liberalism and much less lawbreaking. I'm just trying to tell you to stand still in the midst of it all. Know who YOU really are. And be true to you... Even when merging into the different roles you have in society, don't ever loose YOURSELF from sight.

I...I am Sy. I am (still) a believer. I am multi-talented. I am a strong woman. I am not perfect and neither do I claim to be.I am (sometimes) very outspoken and sarcastic. I paint my nails in extravagant and crazy colors inspite of my serious job. I can be very introverted and secretive. I am a survivor. I am a lover. I am a friend. I spend a lot of time thinking. I am a fighter. I am (sometimes) a shameless flirt. I am loyal, I am a big dreamer, I can act crazy sometimes and enjoy it, I can be difficult, I do laugh about my own stupidity sometimes, I make mistakes...I sometimes avoid facing my problems. I am Sy...

And in the end I am nothing but me, and I hope you love me for me. Not for any possessions i might/might not have. Not for any of my physical traits. Not for what I did, do or don't. Not for keeping up to the rules. Not for obeying the laws and regulations. Not for living up to the social/behavioral/religious standards or for lacking to do so.
And much less for the image of me you've created in your mind. But love me, accept me and appreciate me for me.
And so, this is me; with all my flaws, mistakes, shortcomings, abilities, strongholds and all... And I hope you'll learn to love me for me.

Who are you really?
What is it, that makes you you?
Stop sacrificing who you are...
Discover yourself, love yourself and always be true to yourself! My piece of advice...

0 African bride....by Sy.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

0 She; The draft

Some small things remind us of remarkable/memorable checkpoints in our lives. Like this morning, she had such a vivid flashback of something that happened a couple of years ago...
And with a smile of satisfaction she let her mind have it's way. She smiled, not because of the situation, but because of the realization of how much she'd grown because of it.

Here's the story, exactly as she remembers it!

She was laying that day, facedown on her bed,sunk deeply in thoughts all the while having a weird feeling dancing a waltz in her stomach. She had to make her mind hush and set her heart at ease. She rehearsed different situations and schemes in front of the mirror. But the probability of it happening was likely as sure as chikens growing teeth...or encountering feathered turtles.

So she decided she'd write you a mail.

A mail, in the first place, to offer her sincere apologies for whatever damages she might have caused you. In the know, that apologies won't ease any pains nor erase any wrongs that has been done. Still there was little that she could have done right now to take the weigh from on her heart...alas, she already wasted all her chances to do things over. You've wronged her too...but she wasn't going to wait and see if you'd ever be mature enough to see that...

Aside the apologies, she also needed to clear some things up. She was determined to tell you the things as she saw them, wether you agreed or not...

Somewhere, down the long mail she wrote: "Consider this as a temporary goodbye...for my own emotional and mental peace. No need to get all shocked; I'm not planning to do anything crazy. I'm just taking my distance. I'm not fighting anymore. I've officially stepped back. Just so you'd know...
 If perhaps, for whatever reason, I don't get to say this to you one more time...I want you to know that I've loved you."

Her eyes moistened at this point...but she refused to let the tears come any further. She wasn't going to cry again because of you...not anymore.
She cursed at the emotions that where having their own nuclear war deep inside her gut, took a deep breath and continued...

"I must admit I need my space too. I'm not masochistic. Constantly hitting myself against this frigid stone wall you've built around you, hurts... But then again, I was the one to keep on trying. I hoped I could fix the broken pieces between us. But your new heart of steel is a bit too hard for me to handle. So I owe the bruises to myself... Got what I asked for and from here onward I'm giving up on you. No more fighting for an illusive "us". Hope your happy now!"

No, she doesn't normally throw the towel at difficult relationships that easily; and yes, she would have had enough endurance to try again. But not this time...she was determined. Enough is enough!
She couldn't help it... She was sad somehow and felt profoundly sorry for herself, but at the same time she had hot anger boiling inside her. Anger, disappointment and disgust. "I'm human too,...", she said out loud trying to convince herself that she was doing the right thing, "and every humanbeing have their limits!"

She's done! This isn't healthy any longer...not for you or the people around you. But I guess you didn't realize that as yet... And for your own good, I hope it's not TOO late when you finally decide to be sincere with yourself and face reality.
At this moment she doesn't want you to feel any sense of "obligation" towards her... You're a free bird now, find your way through the clouds!

After almost an hour of typing, she read the whole mail through and concluded that she must have said all that she wanted to say; not everything, but the most essential is inked in an email.

To close the mail she wrote, "Remember, I don't want you to take this in an accusatory way and neither do I want you to think that I'm seeking to amend. Doesn't mean, of course, that you can't knock on my door if someday you need advice, a helping hand or a listening ear... But for now, this is a goodbye."

And she signed..."With love, pain and hatred at the same time. Sincerely, She"

She scrolled up and down through the email and forced a half smile on her face. In a moment she was about to fill in your email address and click send, but somehow she saved the mail as a draft and closed her laptop...

And there's where it stayed until today...as a draft.
If you asked yourself how she did after that night? Well, she broke loose from the chains, she moved on, she grew, ...

0 Is it just me...or is the emoticon abused?

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Hi, my name's Sy and sometimes I loose my patience! Lol...

And I have to admit...sometimes it's for the silliest reasons you may think of.
This time it's....emoticons....or in general speaking terms...smileys!
Don't you simply hate them sometimes?

You see... I certainly do. Especially when you are having what you can categorize as a nice/ pleasant/ interesting conversation with someone by chat, expecting an acceptable answer for what you just wrote...when suddenly...":-p". And you just don't know what you should understand behind that emoticon, let stand...what you should answer.

It is a fact... interactions are becoming more and more digital and sophisticated each day. And with the sophistication, some of it also gets inpersonal...and irrationally silly and nonsensical.

Wait, do you have a vivid imagination? Well then, picture the next scene...
You, sitting face to face with a friend in a cafe...having something to drink while chit-chatting about the latest comings and goings in your lifes. Suddenly your friend tells you something really outrageous he/she went through, and you reply "hey, but that's AM-A-ZINGGG!!! Wow!!!!". And your friends simply looks at you, smiles and then sticks out his/her tongue...


Ahum, yup...I see you smiling at the stupidity of the scenario...(^_^). But, hey, that's what happens digitally (almost) every day...
What in the whole wide world should that mean?? Really bro, what -the-hell?

Shouldn't emoticons be mostly used to reinforce your message instead of telling a whole story? I mean,...hey in some situations the meaning of the emoticon is indeed pretty obvious. For example if you're telling someone how much you've missed them and you're having a total lovey-dovey conversation...and that person sends you a heart emoticon.....(sigh) hmmmmm the message is most definitely obvious. But then in yet other cases that emoticon won't really make much sense standing there on it's own in the middle of a conversation...

My problem ain't the existence of the cute emoticons. Don't get me wrong, I love 'em! Especially when people come up with new ones...so perfect.
My problem's actually when we, people, tend to use 'em in places where they don't even touch the home-plate. As mere space fillers...filling the place where there would probably have been an awkward silence, a mean comment, for fake politeness...or simply substituting an oratory you where just not ready or willing to give yet.
Where would chat conversations be, if it wasn't only for the support of the "Super Smiley"? (pfff)I bet some conversations wouldn't have lasted more than two seconds after "hi"....

Hey bro....don't feel all weird now... I'm guilty too here!
But hey, you know, just saying...

0 Is it just me or do you not know what to do now?

Sunday, January 22, 2012
We have known, oftentimes, the right words to enlighten another person with what would be...the ideal advice in a given situation. And many a times we might have found ourselves saying "well if it was me, I would have..."

Now it IS you...yes YOU!

How many times haven't we ourselves needed to heed those advises we previously gave to someone else...and we simply didn't? Not because we don't know them...but because....well I don't know the reasons.

But I've been in that position...and even now, writing this post...I find myself right there; at the place where I know I would've had a perfect advice, as long as the situation wasn't my own.

You know...something like..."Go on and give it a try!", "Give yourself the chance", "Don't think so negatively...go on and have fun while at it", "Go talk to him/her & clear things up", "Maybe you should try it this way...", " No, I don't think you should have done/said that..", "Don't build up hopes...move on!", "Stop being so hard...give in"...

But why?
Why does it appear as thou you suddenly loose your rational side when it's YOU that's going through? Is it maybe, that being IN a certain situation obstructs us from having a clear view? Clogs our minds somehow preventing us from seeing possibilities that lay right in front of our eyes? Or silences the little voice of our smarter selves?
Are we, maybe, too stubborn and hard hearted to accept our own advice?
Don't we trust our own intuition enough?
Do we lack some sort of willpower?
Now....what is it exactly? What on earth could it be?
What mutes those advise-full voices so well????

I sincerely don't know. But whatever it is...
I've come to the discovery that advises are easier given than lived. Heeding your own advise can sometimes be a complicated matter. And I don't know why. But then again, complications doesn't equal impossibility...
If we are but sincere with ourselves!

I mean...just saying
Sent from my BlackBerry® device from Digicel

0 Is it just me or...the gage's reaching empty?

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Today I feel uhm...stressed and frustrated. So on my way home from work I stopped for a scoop of delightful caramel n' pralines ice cream and of course some mind-relaxing solitude.
It's just that, eventhou you enjoy your work generally, some colleagues can be such sophisticated covered asses sometimes... It amazes me how good they can pretend to be human, those scumbags!

When you ask me for my opinion, expect to hear it...and when you hear it, please at the very least hypocritically act as thou you are doing something about it. I mean, you may not agree...and good news, you don't need to. Who says doing something about it means agreeing? It simply creates the illusion of giving and taking...and it makes people feel allright.

Tomorrow will be a week that I told them (in a general time-wasting reflection session) how frustrating it can be to have continuous corrections on the same document. The director took it personally and argued right away on the why's she wouldn't accept me to say such thing. Afterall, I guess her defensive armours went up way too soon when i started speaking...they covered her ears too and her mind alike....the poor thing. (rolls eyes sarcastically)
Today I made the 6th correction on some documents I've made since December the 23rd and which actully had to be sent out BEFORE the 12th of January but couldn't...thanks to the hard work and efforts of our ever loyal and dedicated management team. Nope, nothing wrong with the contents of my documents...simple periods, coma's, bold words and spaces...
But for hell's sake....wouldn't you do all the corrections at once so that we both may spare some time, patience, paper and a balanced work relationship? I mean...if you're asking me to try saving on telephone costs, not to print unnecessary things and likewise requests....how don't you realize that 6 corrections means that I have to print out the same effing document 6 effing times? Hooray for showing me how to save papers at work...

I know, I've been appearing to be very patient about your constant selfish AND thoughtless inquiries...but that patience gage is about to hit empty. So, I beg you for the sake of having all marbles ....stop being such self consumed, mindless, idiotic bastards and act up like real grown up leaders for once. THINK...as the quote says...it's not illegal yet!

Bet yo' mama won't be very proud of you if she'd seen this...(sigh)

I threw the last corrected documents on the floor in the middle of the office this afternoon and layed myself there beside them. Too bad you didn't see us!
I hope when they come back tomorrow they'd have your name signed below...otherwise I bet you can't imagine where the documents will end. Have them a special place prepared in my mind...please bring comfortable clothes, lube and wear soft undergarments just in case...

It's a good thing I have colleagues with whom I can joke and laugh about the matter. It keeps things leveled often... So by the way, I think you owe them a "thank you"... for the fact that I haven't exploded yet. And ow..call my momma too to show her your heartfelt gratitude...for raising a lady...who knows how to breath in and out and count to ten a couple of times even when she wished she could wipe you off her bottom and flush you...like the piece of crap you are.

There's been a full tank of patience when we started off, but we all know,driving around causes it to end. These last drops are toxic bro...these last drops are toxic.

Listen up...even the deepest waters have a bottom, and that at that moment when you get to the bottom... if you aren't careful enough you'll drown. Some depts are even dangerous to reach, go on and ask a diver. A person may appear to be forever patient...but don't test the depts of their patience. Don't!!
I mean...just saying!

0 For life's not worth the living without HOPE...

Sunday, January 15, 2012

1 She; the good foot

With a wide smile she looked at herself in the mirror, trying to contain a wild and blissful scream that was rolling it's way to her lips.
Her year started off on the good foot. First official weekend promised to be exciting ...

Three dates to go....of which two, were total new people.

"Seems as thou your year's going to be pretty interesting, lady" she said out loud to her own reflection in the mirror.

Surprisingly enough, she didn't even feel the usual cramps of nervousness in the anticipation of meeting two totally new people.

She was confident enough, that whatever happened this weekend...she'd use to 'make' herself. Maybe it was all that she went through in the previous year; but she knew that this woman she now perceived in the mirror is'nt the same who once was...

"I've gotta write this down somewhere", she thought with mischief written all over her face "you know, in case of anything...this should be recorded in the past". It didn't take her too much...and she knew it..BLOG about it.

And she wrote down, "dear blog...this smells a lot like enjoyment. I'll come back to give you all the juicy details. If in fact i don't come back with the details....well...then...let your imagination run wild in whatever direction it pleases to go. Yours with excitement, She."

0 Vale Et Salvete...(Goodbye and Hello)

Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Well...here we are...at the beginning of quite another year. I'm keeping this first post of 2012 short and simple; in case your packed schedule doesn't allow you much time to read....

How's the new year treating you so far by the way?
I must say that the past year have not been all too bad for me, but of course...it was absolutely not sugar-coated either. I've known wins and loses, I've grown, I learned, I made good and bad decisions and endured the consequences... I made new friends, got myself some additional acquaintances and managed to maintain some of the existing ones. I traveled a lot, I grew closer to my family, I graduated, I got promoted at work, I regained much of the lost confidence, I became a tiny bit more open(to my own opinion), I satisfied the little mischievous, sarcastic and egocentric voice inside sometimes, I've (started) outing more of my talents, I've lost weight and I became much stronger, independent and altogether a huge step further from the way I started off the year.
There's been very profound hurts in the past year, yes, some of which the pain occasionally still gives head and drowns me in a dip. I have had deep rooted anger and regrets...DEEP...that at times the thoughts and feelings even scared myself. But needless to say, that beside it all, I've also had loud and satisfying laughters, extremely valuable moments shared, I have loved and have been loved and I've known satisfaction.

And like a wind that blows past and never returns.... all that happened in 2011 is gone....
It belongs now to the past an there's little I can change. Some things came along across the borders of 2012 and some were left behind. If I intend to make any progress at all, I will need to move on...

So I decided not to start this year with any resolutions at all. Don't get me wrong, resolutions are good things to have. You know, you wanna commit yourself to lose some weight, take yoga lessons, find love to, do more exercise and all of the positive goals.
But wait, didn't last year start with these exact same resolutions? And the year before that? And the previous one? We vowed to commit ourselves to their fulfillment and with sky-high spirits we started working on those perfect goals we've set. But many a times we don't even know when, where or how...but we come to loose those out of sight... And the moment they come back to mind, is right when we're standing at the start of another year.

So no, I started off this year with nothing but just one word....


Yes,I think those two letters contains it all.

Do what makes you happy
Do whatever is good for your soul
Do stand up for yourself
Do that which fulfills you
Do embrace life more
Do good to others
Do grow
Do learn
Do take care of yourself (physically, mentally and emotionally)
Do try and trust
Do laugh
Do think there's a way out
Do something crazy and silly once in a while
Do dare
Do believe

Yes...just DO...

I think it all fits indeed....
And just in case I might get all tangled in the living of this years experiences, if I get blown by the lessons of this year or if its goodness might come to overwhelm me like a tsunami...I think I just need to remember to DO whatever needs to be done.

I have no choice whatsoever but to move on; I can't stay in the past, there's no room for me there! I made it into 2012...and all that needs to be done is for me to DO.

I don't know if you started out your year with little or many resolutions. Or if you started off with any resolution at all....
Whatever it is...DO make sure that you'd extract all the best you can out of it.

Enjoy and may you have a fulfilling 2012.
Sent from my BlackBerry® device from Digicel