She; The draft

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Some small things remind us of remarkable/memorable checkpoints in our lives. Like this morning, she had such a vivid flashback of something that happened a couple of years ago...
And with a smile of satisfaction she let her mind have it's way. She smiled, not because of the situation, but because of the realization of how much she'd grown because of it.

Here's the story, exactly as she remembers it!

She was laying that day, facedown on her bed,sunk deeply in thoughts all the while having a weird feeling dancing a waltz in her stomach. She had to make her mind hush and set her heart at ease. She rehearsed different situations and schemes in front of the mirror. But the probability of it happening was likely as sure as chikens growing teeth...or encountering feathered turtles.

So she decided she'd write you a mail.

A mail, in the first place, to offer her sincere apologies for whatever damages she might have caused you. In the know, that apologies won't ease any pains nor erase any wrongs that has been done. Still there was little that she could have done right now to take the weigh from on her heart...alas, she already wasted all her chances to do things over. You've wronged her too...but she wasn't going to wait and see if you'd ever be mature enough to see that...

Aside the apologies, she also needed to clear some things up. She was determined to tell you the things as she saw them, wether you agreed or not...

Somewhere, down the long mail she wrote: "Consider this as a temporary goodbye...for my own emotional and mental peace. No need to get all shocked; I'm not planning to do anything crazy. I'm just taking my distance. I'm not fighting anymore. I've officially stepped back. Just so you'd know...
 If perhaps, for whatever reason, I don't get to say this to you one more time...I want you to know that I've loved you."

Her eyes moistened at this point...but she refused to let the tears come any further. She wasn't going to cry again because of you...not anymore.
She cursed at the emotions that where having their own nuclear war deep inside her gut, took a deep breath and continued...

"I must admit I need my space too. I'm not masochistic. Constantly hitting myself against this frigid stone wall you've built around you, hurts... But then again, I was the one to keep on trying. I hoped I could fix the broken pieces between us. But your new heart of steel is a bit too hard for me to handle. So I owe the bruises to myself... Got what I asked for and from here onward I'm giving up on you. No more fighting for an illusive "us". Hope your happy now!"

No, she doesn't normally throw the towel at difficult relationships that easily; and yes, she would have had enough endurance to try again. But not this time...she was determined. Enough is enough!
She couldn't help it... She was sad somehow and felt profoundly sorry for herself, but at the same time she had hot anger boiling inside her. Anger, disappointment and disgust. "I'm human too,...", she said out loud trying to convince herself that she was doing the right thing, "and every humanbeing have their limits!"

She's done! This isn't healthy any longer...not for you or the people around you. But I guess you didn't realize that as yet... And for your own good, I hope it's not TOO late when you finally decide to be sincere with yourself and face reality.
At this moment she doesn't want you to feel any sense of "obligation" towards her... You're a free bird now, find your way through the clouds!

After almost an hour of typing, she read the whole mail through and concluded that she must have said all that she wanted to say; not everything, but the most essential is inked in an email.

To close the mail she wrote, "Remember, I don't want you to take this in an accusatory way and neither do I want you to think that I'm seeking to amend. Doesn't mean, of course, that you can't knock on my door if someday you need advice, a helping hand or a listening ear... But for now, this is a goodbye."

And she signed..."With love, pain and hatred at the same time. Sincerely, She"

She scrolled up and down through the email and forced a half smile on her face. In a moment she was about to fill in your email address and click send, but somehow she saved the mail as a draft and closed her laptop...

And there's where it stayed until a draft.
If you asked yourself how she did after that night? Well, she broke loose from the chains, she moved on, she grew, ...


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