She; the chains of the unspoken

Wednesday, September 19, 2012
They were two introverts, one more than the other. And they used to write each other letters every so often. Especially if it involved something deeply emotional, that kind of an emotional knot that was too difficult to put into spoken words.

It simply would not matter if they were going to spend the whole day together; if there was something deep to discuss, they'd exchange letters at the beginning of the day and promised solemnly to not read the letters until they were both home at the end of the day...apart. Each in their own comfort place. And it all went fine. It even gives you space to over-think your what could possibly be wrong with such an agreement? She still has all the letters she received, as a silent proof of all they shared besides the moments spend together. And she cherishes those letters deeply...

This time she was the one who had something important to say. And instead of writing a whole letter, she bought a greeting card at the book store. In the end, the card said exactly what she had on the tip of her tongue; especially those two most important words.
She sat down with colored pens and mixed feelings that personally add some other details she thought were important to mention. But alas, she could not.
And several nights thereafter, she returned to the card and colored pens; exactly where she left them the night before... only to get up after a while (just like the first time) without having written anything.

She even had it planned, how she'd send the greeting card by mail. And struggled with the thought of whether that was too impersonal or not. Should she send an e-mail instead? No, the very thought gave her the chills... Wait until the person in question was online and straightforwardly say what she had to say by chat? Uhm...not a good idea.
But could she be thinking about ways to send a card she didn't even have the courage to write? (sigh) "I'd figure it out in due time," she said out loud "first things first..write!"

Yes, they spoke, they spoke regularly as a matter of fact. But she tried to act as if nothing was wrong. Messages, phone calls, chats... She did her best to keep her posture through every interaction in spite of the tornado that went on within. It's not that she wasn't genuine, that you may not get the wrong picture of her, she was simply holding back that part which was somehow important for her to say. She was only waiting until she could write it old times. Cuz that was the plan, right?

Until suddenly... on a day that started like any other...
Don't ask what happened, maybe it was just the results of a full bucket...or maybe she just felt gutsy...but in one of those conversations she simply blurted it all out. the very last shameful word. She searched not for the correct words, she didn't pay attention to the reaction from the other person, she spoke her filthy soul out. And it was only when she was finally done speaking, and she realized there was a long and awkward silence from the other side, that what just happened finally sunk in. Like a heavy rock..deep in her stomach. And thou she said nothing else and she tried with her all to keep a relaxed posture, she felt completely paralyzed. And she froze...

"Ohhhh SHIT!!! You must be kidding me right? You didn't just do that, woman! You didn't just say all that!...Oh WHAT-A-SHAME!! WHAT-A-SHAME!! WHAT A SHAAAMMEE".
The voices in her head went insane. Her feet felt as cold as ice, in spite of the very hot weather. She felt sick to her was as thou she swallowed a rock and couldn't seem to throw it up. And she had to blink several times to hold back the tears of regret. "Hold your head up high young lady. That was, as a matter of fact, a very brave thing to do." she told herself finally "You needed to get it out, and you did. Whatever the other person does with this information now is not up to you. Do yourself a favor, and hold yourself together."

So she just sat there, struggling between obedience to that encouraging voice or getting up and run away...
She even had difficulty swallowing...but she bravely sat there. If there was going to be an answer or not? She knew not...Thou she hoped there would, deep down she hoped. Positive or negative, all she hoped was to get more than just this killing silence. But as uncertain as she was she sat there...
Until after what seemed like an eternity, the answer finally came... And it was like a glass of cold water on a very hot day...short indeed, but also deep...and meaningful. Words that felt like a warm hug, in spite of the distance.

And she smiled so wide her face hurt!!! Not only physically did she smile...but her heart also a matter of fact it danced; her heart really danced. It was one of those moments she'd scream for joy. One of those moments she's do an uncontrollable silly dance.
But instead she decided to just enjoy silently of the mixture of beautiful feelings that welled up like a beautiful aroma. Joy, relieve, contentment, satisfaction, pride, love and freedom....yes, most importantly the freedom.
If it wasn't for this moment, she'd never realized how she had been a slave all this time...a slave to her own unspoken words.



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