She; heart gone wrong

Sunday, June 3, 2012
At some point she swore she'd never write about it. For, what if the writing settled down her crazy thoughts? What if she realizes something she has been deliberately and consciously avoiding? The what-ifs were many, and she thought banning the thoughts was the best idea.
But as the hours went by she suddenly knew, she needed to empty her mind. Quick! And what other way to do that than the way she's always trusted a million times before; in even worse situations...writing...like old times!
So she sat down, at a yet inappropriate moment, on a Sunday morning (just like today) with pen and paper and a stomach in knots. A lot was happening around her, but she wasn't even aware. I bet the walls could have collapsed around her, and she wouldn't have noticed.
She was going to write about it, pour it all on paper...but where exactly should she start?
"Ok...what now? What goes first?" she thought; partly annoyed at herself for not being able to come out of this spider's web. "Maybe I should write about the emotional attachment first. That impossible, deep-rooted emotional lock. Or must I try to detangle the apprehension of whether to keep on running this "race" or to pause and wait...just a while longer? Just to see if..." She shook her head,shifting do positions in her chair and played wildly with the pen in her hand. (sigh) "Than again, there were these new occurrences. New people, new thoughts, new feelings...new" (another deep sigh). THIS is the reason for all the confusion anyways. 'Cause, before them, she knew exactly what to do...right? She's sure, she had it all sorted out back then. So, should she write about them first?
She looked down on the empty sheet of paper on her lap and smiled sarcastically.  "What in holy heaps name is wrooooonng with youuu? Write...write everything, something....anything. But just frigging write now"
Her plea to the innerself was abruptly finished by a sudden thought, "write about the "clinger"... Write about his daily slime ball speech and the feelings that sprout out of those monologues he holds. Not to mention the thoughts; yes, all of the confusing thoughts."
She felt her heart tremble lightly and she had difficulty swallowing.
Why can't she sort out her thoughts? Why? Why can't her heart be at rest? Deep down she felt, as though she knew the answers but was way too coward to face them.
She shrugged and nodded lightly as she folded the blank sheets and decided to put them away.
"Fine!" she thought, "I'm not writing it!! I rest my case" She felt like crying, running away, fast forward, rewind, break loose, erase...too much to write about actually...how confusing.
She gaped in front of herself without really looking at anything specific.

"Fight on mind and heart, fight on", She murmured, " have your way. 'cause I can't choose. I just can't. Hope you find common ground some time soon. Otherwise I'll go mad... I'm sure I'll go crazy! "

1 comments:

Piso Says:
June 4, 2012 at 12:15 AM

Well at least I know I'm not alone -_-

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